My Little Piggy

Today was my 10 week ultrasound and my last day with the fertility Doc. I graduated. Healthy baby...all looks good! It was bittersweet...I love this Doc and I feel very attached to him. He did say he would come to see us in the hospital and that I need to come visit and show off my bump to him. I will. He gave us a bib and a blanket for the baby he helped create. Wonderful man! My baby is measuring to be a little ahead..2 days. I hope its not all the pickle and cheese sandwiches I have been eating! I have had some occasional bouts of morning sickness, a little puke and nausea but nothing too serious. I am more than tired! Some days, I can't get out of bed! It doesn't help that I pee every 2 hours during the night! I wouldn't say that I have actual cravings, its more like if I eat anything else but these foods I will get sick. The idea of chicken and meats make me gag. I want citrus..any kind! Virgin bloody marys, totinos frozen pizza, greek yogurt, mexican hot chocolate, starbursts, watermelon, pickle and cheese sandwiches, decaf iced coffee, apples, and string beans with teriyaki sauce. What I want so badly but I cant have are kosher hot dogs and sandwiches with lunch meats, especially salami! I can't comfortably wear my jeans anymore and if I do, I need to put on a belly band. TMI warning...My husband had to shave "me" the other day because I can't see my vajayjay with my huge boobs anymore! I like to keep it clean for the Doc ;) Although we are allowed to have sex, we haven't. We are both a little scared. But, we talk about it a lot and I have sex dreams often.

8 Week Ultrasound

Yesterday was my 8 week ultrasound, and it was amazing to see my little gummy bear! We got to hear the heart beat and it was such a wonderful sound! You could see the little arms and it was like the baby was waving at us saying, "Don't stress Mama, I'm here and I am healthy!" The baby is measuring 2 cm. The Doc said everything looked perfect! Phew! My husband is glad that we can start having sex again..its been 2 months! The Doc just wants to make sure he withdraws or we use a condom because semen can cause cramping.

I have a feeling that its a boy. Of course, I would be thrilled with either and I don't care as long as the baby is healthy but deep down I feel like its a boy. I might feel bad about myself if I am wrong and its a girl because it would mean I have zero intuition about my own baby. We'll have to wait and see.

Heart Beat

I just got back from the best appointment yet! We just saw my baby's heartbeat! My little coffee bean's (that is what it measured to be) heart was just beating away! My husband got a little emotional and I was just grinning ear to ear. It is really starting to feel real now. Our due date is June 4...but we were told that it may change. I know that I may be biased but that was the best looking bean I have ever seen! Everyday that my baby's heart beats, my heart beats for my baby. I am so in love!

Now, that I am pregnant and the baby is healthy, none of the IVF matters anymore. I don't feel bad for myself anymore. We are having a baby and that is the only thing that matters.

6 Weeks Pregnant

Its crazy how fast time goes by and I never thought that this would happen. I am sick today. Sick as in morning sickness...I am so nauseated and have been throwing up for the last two hours or so. I guess this is a good thing although it feel so bad. I can't go to work today, I had to tell them I was just too damn sick!

Heaven and Hell

Heaven
taking my bra off!!!
knowing I have a baby growing
thinking of baby names (we are 100% sure of our boy name and 80% sure for the girl name)
having hubby rub lotion on my tummy
taking my bra off!!!
dreaming of holding my baby
reading about baby's growth progress
maternity pants. yes. awesome.
taking my bra off!!!
ketchup
cool dreams
colace
my dog's instinct that something is different with me. super protective and wants to lie on my belly
not having to take my night time suppository starting tonight!
taking my bra off!!!
oh..and taking my bra off!

Hell
my booby pain and having to wear a bra
being this tired and not allowed any caffeine
night time queasiness
forgetting to turn off my car when I went shopping (glad I live in an uber safe neighborhood)
constipation which led to me having hemorrhoids
constant wetness down yonder from my "posis"TMI WARNING like cream cheese and cervical mucus X 100
bad gas- at least hubby thinks its funny
craving for a sandwich and can't have deli meat
bloat- thank you ohss!
super expensive maternity clothes -just spent all our money on IVF!
hearing the jacuzzi call my name over and over and I can't listen
having to change underwear 3 times a day- even with a pad!

I wouldn't trade any of it! I feel so blessed that I am pregnant and I can't wait to feel my baby grow!

One Healthy Baby

Today I had my first ultrasound and we were able to see the sac with the tiny little yolk. We aren't having twins but as long as we have one healthy baby I am okay. My beta was 6,646 today and that is a great number.  I am having a hard time writing on my blog because I am trying not to think about it...I have become completely neurotic and paranoid that I am going to lose the baby. I am so afraid that it will just go away. I need constant reassurance that this baby is here to stay. What should be the happiest time in my life is filled with so much worry. When I hear the heartbeat next week, I will feel so much relief.

2WW

I want to start by saying I appreciate all your comments..it makes me feel great to know that I am not alone and that I have encouragement and support...and know that you are not alone either.  I am here rooting for you!

The 2WW has been awful! Not only was I feeling like crap everyday but I started to feel very dark inside and very depressed. I had a lot of signs saying I was pregnant...SUPER tired, headaches, going through 2 bottles of ketchup in a week, constipation, gas, and sore boobs, but then I read about the side effects of my suppositories and and it turns out they cause drowsiness, headaches, constipation, gas, sore boobs etc. I have to take them three times in a day! No wonder I am tired! I started to feel that my symptoms weren't pregnancy and that it was too early so they were the side effects from the meds. Oh...they also cause depression! I started to cry everyday and became very negative. I did something stupid on day 5 after my transfer. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Now I know that it was too early, but I just assumed that if I was, it would come back positive. Seeing the negative was a bad idea because it changed my mood from "I feel pregnant and beautiful" to "whats the point of living if I cant have children". I gave up. Sunday night my boobs went from being mildly sore to extremely sore. So sore to the point that water from the shower hurt them. I have big boobs to begin with-34DDD. Yes, you read that correctly, so that is a lot of pain in a big area. It hurts to have a bra on, it hurts to have a bra off. To be honest, I think I know what it would feel like to be a man with a boner that won't go down. I said boner because it sounds funny. But seriously, my nipples are constantly hard and they hurt...bad! Last night, I slept without a shirt and had a soft pillow across my chest to hold them down. If I started to move I would wake up from the pain. I want you to understand that if you are pregnant your boobs will hurt more than ever...more than if you are big chested and go running without a bra. I know this now. My boobs have always hurt...never like this.
Yesterday morning I went to give my blood for my test results. I came home and cried all morning because I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I was preparing myself for bad news, I didn't want a shock. I got the phone call and told the nurse that I hope she had good news for me. She said, "Congratulations!" I was hysterical. I couldn't stop crying I was so happy and relieved and grateful! I kept asking if she had the right person though because I couldn't believe that I could be so lucky and that it worked out for me. Turns out, my blood levels are nice and high..possible twins! I will know more about that tomorrow and I can't wait to find out.
This morning I got my positive on the pee stick...

Keep praying for my healthy baby/babies and that they stick around. I will be a good mom!

I AM PREGNANT!

I AM PREGNANT! I want to shout it to the world! I will go over everything tomorrow in my blog but I just had to share and I am too jazzed to sit and write! I AM PREGNANT! I can't believe it..I have wanted this for so long and I am so excited..so is Daddy!

Glow

I had two embryos transferred on Thursday and the whole process was pretty quick and painless. Felt like a pap smear with a spotlight and then you just have to hang out for about 20 minutes with your legs up. I have been on bed rest since Thursday and I can finally be done this evening! I have 3 vaginal suppositories a day-fun! Since I am not tired and I don't feel sick it has been difficult and boring to be alone. I have had some visitors but I am sure it has been boring for them as well. I feel so good and I just want to go out and scream to the world that I am pregnant...but I can't and I might not be. The waiting game sucks! If there was only a sign...I feel like I am, but is that because I feel so good? Do I feel so good because I am pregnant or because I am done with those hormone shots? My brother saw me yesterday and said he thinks I am pregnant because I already look like I am glowing. I was staring in the mirror this morning and I saw it too. I had just woken up but I felt prettier than I have in a long time. It even looked like I had a sun kiss...and I don't go in the sun!
I hope this isn't another example of my mind playing awful tricks on me..except this time there is a good chance I actually am pregnant.
Please pray for me...pray that I will have a healthy baby.

Tomorrow is actually the biggest day ever...and I can't wait!

So let's see...I had my egg retrieval on Monday and it went very well. I had a great night sleep on Sunday and I had a dream that my Grandpa (who passed away last year) came to see me and told me "Monday is your day...I will be with you the whole time and everything is going to be great, relax and just be excited because you have good things coming your way!" He also mentioned that he and my dog (who died in March) would be smiling down on me. I woke up feeling excited and all my nerves were gone. I really felt like I had them both with me and it felt good. I arrived at the Doctor's at 9:00 am. I filled out some paper work and then they took me in the back to get prepped for the procedure. I changed into a gown , booties and a hair cover. They walked me into the room where I would have the procedure and I got onto the bed and met the most amazing anesthesiologist. She was so nice and funny and asked me a couple of questions. She put a band around my arm and I turned my head and I asked what my blood pressure was and she said she hooked me up to the IV. I didn't even feel it! I thought she was taking my blood pressure! I wish my blood tests would be that easy! My Doc came in to say hello and that he was going to scrub in and then I fell asleep. Next thing I know, I wake up in recovery and yell out, "How many eggs?" They got 10! We had two party crashers! Two surprise eggs! 7 of them were mature and they all fertilized! They called us the next morning before 9:00 am to tell us that they were looking really good! When I woke up in recovery I had some heat packs on my stomach. I had some discomfort, enough that I couldn't move around.. but it only lasted until last night. I have some mild spotting and bad bloating but knowing that I have 7 thriving embabies makes it all so worth it! I stayed in bed all day yesterday because my stomach was hurting. It wasn't like period cramps and I didn't have any nausea...it was like pressure/constipation/sever gas pain kind of feeling. I have had to take some laxatives because I didn't go...but I got some sweet relief this morning!
Today I moved around and got out of the house a bit. I treated myself to some new comfy PJs for my bed rest, had lunch with my sister in law, and put together some really nice gift baskets for the Doctor and his nursing staff. I am so grateful for them and how they have treated me throughout this whole process. I felt more like a personal friend than a patient and they let me trust them without feeling concerned that they were "in it for the money" I always felt they truly cared for my well being and hoped the best outcome for us. Started the vaginal suppositories today and yuck! Me no likey! Constant wetness and itchiness...like diaper rash?

So...tomorrow is the transfer day and I cant freaking wait! I will also get to see pictures of all my little embabies...so cool! Monday WAS my day...but tomorrow...OUR day.

Tomorrow is a big day, but not the biggest one yet...

It is the night before my egg retrieval and I have a mix of emotions. First, I am so excited that the butterflies I have in my stomach are as bad as the stuffed ovaries. Second, I am nervous about the procedure and praying that all goes well with me. I am afraid of the pain I might have and I am afraid that the eggs wont make great embryos and I won't have any. I wish I didn't worry but I can't help it. Thus far, I have worried for no reason and I hope it stays that way. I was worried about having a man be my Doctor but after much research I chose him because he was the best and that was more important than my modesty. Now, I wish he could be my OBGYN and deliver my baby/babies. I trust him so much and he has been so amazing that I am sad he can't see me through until the end. I wish he could be my everything Doctor. I was worried about all the stims but they didn't hurt that bad. The side effects weren't good but I could do it again although I pray I don't have to. Last night was the worst as far as nerves go, I had to get the hCG shot and that needle is HUGE and it has to go all the way in! It had to go in my butt. I went to sleep early (so I wouldn't have to think about it) and my husband woke me up to give it to me. I had to lean over the bed and stand pigeon toed because it relaxes the glutes. I was so afraid I thought I was going to faint/vomit and I was shaking like a leaf. He pulled down my pants and rubbed the alcohol on my butt and...I didn't feel a thing! Really! I had worked myself up over nothing. I wish all my shots were like that one. My butt feels a little sore today but it isn't bad at all. I don't feel good, but I was able to play with my 9 month old niece for a bit and that made me feel better. I just have a stomach ache. My husband went to go pick up dinner and I will go to sleep early and before I know it, I will have completed my most nerve wracking hurdle and be one step closer to my goal. The time has gone by faster than I thought it would.

Yippee!

Just got back from the Doc and everything looks good! My egg retrieval is set for Monday morning! I am so beyond excited and incredibly nervous at the same time. One of these eggs inside of my super stuffed ovaries could be one of my babies...amazing! The pain is totally worth it. If you think about it, how many people get to see the egg that will become their baby? Unless you are going through IVF/IUI your chances are slim. Pretty cool experience even though I would rather get pregnant by doing the secret naughty.
I am in quite a bit of discomfort and the doc said it will get worse over the weekend and last throughout next week. My ovaries are being stretched a great deal and the bloating is also causing pressure down yonder. I should clarify that it probably isn't as painful for women who opt to take pain relief. Doc prescribed Vicodin but I hate that stuff so I would rather deal with the pain.  Even though it is allowed, I feel that the less I put into my body, the better it will be for holding onto that embryo. Besides, if I mask the pain, how will I know if anything is wrong? I am happy to report that I didn't have any hot flashes today...thank you Bravelle and Menapur for giving me a break with that one!

So...now I wait for Monday. The day of baby making. The day my DNA and J's DNA will become one. The day that my baby/babies will be conceived.

Cramping My Style

My ovaries are pretty sore and so is my lower back. I just can't seem to find comfort! Per the ultrasound today all my eggs are about and 11/12. The Doc will retrieve them when they are between an 18-20. I have eight eggs and they are just cramping my style...pun intended! I will go in again tomorrow for another ultrasound and we will have a better idea of when the egg retrieval will be. I was so nervous about the egg retrieval but now...BRING IT ON! I can't wait to be knocked out and to wake up with empty ovaries.

EF THIS!!!

I don't know if it's the increase in my Menapur or what but these hot flashes are almost unbearable! My sister in law came by today and told me that I was purple. I didn't realize that I changed colors, I only knew that I have little rivers of sweat dripping off of me and that I have had to change my clothes because they are damp with sweat. I wish I wasn't having to work because the only comfort I can find is when I am naked on my bed with a cold wet towel and a fan blowing on me. Yeah.
Cramps are increasing but I have had worse. I am in a really bad mood and I don't think it's the hormones, I think it's the heat. I am done for now...too effing moody to even write.

Still on the Stims...

Saw the Doctor today and everything is looking good. My right ovary is making four pretty eggys and my left (the old lady ovary) is making four eggys also but two are a bit smaller than the others. Doc is upping my Menapur starting tonight to get these ladies to grow up and mature like the rest. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will have some really great eggs that can be fertilized, and hopefully have some embabies to freeze. I am still having headaches and hot flashes throughout the day but its okay. I know it is worth it and the excitement over powers the blahhh and the pain. Everything is starting to happen fast now and I could (please...pretty please, hopefully) be pregnant in less than three weeks! Its my turn now...my turn to finally be a Mommy!

Day 3 of Stims

Last night was my third shot of stims and I am definitely feeling the side effects. It seems to worsen in the afternoon/evenings. I get very bad headaches and some nausea. Last night my nausea woke me up but I took a Benedryl and that knocked me out! My husband has been fantastic and is always showing concern. He is being very gentle with my emotions and is just letting me do my thing. He rubs my back and offers to get me whatever I want. I got myself a good man and he will make morning sickness much more tolerable...I am sure. I have had some mild cramping on and off throughout the days and an increase in cervical mucus. My doctor said this is normal. My appetite has decreased a bit but I think thats due to the fact that I am nauseated often and have headaches. I am drinking massive amounts of water and coconut water and that is keeping me hydrated which is helping. I do have to pee constantly though and wake up about 3 times during the night to do so.
A little advise for the people starting stims: Ice your stomach before the shots and after. It makes a world of a difference!

Day 2 of Stims

Blahhhhhh! Feeling pretty gross over here. The shots aren't too bad and I use an ice pack before and after so I don't get welts like the last time, but the hot flashes are brutal! I tried to go out and about today and that didn't work in my favor. I felt sick the whole time... over heated and nauseated. I puked a little after breakfast, but I think it was because I drank too much water. I came home late this afternoon with a migraine and passed out for an hour and a half and then ate some dinner. During dinner I started to feel sick again, just a general blahhhhh! Going to get into bed early, Hubby is going to put on a movie and I am going to try and sleep this feeling away.

Green Light

Just got home from the Doctor and we have been given a green light to start the stims! I also will be reducing the lupron to 5, down from 20. As much as I am dreading those awful stims, I am equally as excited that I get to start. I will be on Bravelle and Menopur.  I completely passed the corpus luteum cyst on my own..HOORAY! My uterus lining looks good, hormones are great but it looks like I won't be having too many eggs. After getting to know my ovaries the Doc told me that I am producing eggs like I am in my late 30's. I am only 30 now. He isn't even completely sure that our infertility is just my husband, seems to think that my ovaries and the quality of eggs being produced might have a say in this bullshit as well. It really is our problem as a couple and in a way I am glad that its not all on my husband's shoulders...or testicles for that matter. We will not have another dropped cycle. We will be moving forward regardless of how many eggs pop up. He estimates around 6. He wants quality not quantity and that is what I am going to give him! I have always been a super competitive person and I want my ladies to win this fight! Come on ovaries and produce some stellar eggs!
So...glad its a long weekend because the stims make me drag ass. No plans and now I am not going to make any. Maybe go see a movie or rent one. Fantasize about my embabies. Relax.

S'more of This!

I am going to the doctor tomorrow and as usual I will be bringing him a treat. Everyone loves these brownies and all my friends and family have nicknamed them ''crack brownies''. Why? Because they are beyond addicting. Warning..if you are on a diet don't even try one bite...you will not be able to stop!

• 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 6 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped
• 5 large eggs
• 1 1/4 cups dark brown sugar
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• 1 package graham crackers, roughly crushed with your hands
• 1 bag mini marshmallows
• 1 large Hershey bar, broken up

Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter 9×13-inch baking pan with 2-inch-high sides. Combine first 3 ingredients in small bowl. Stir butter and chocolate in a medium sized bowl over a  heavy  saucepan of simmering water.  Stir chocolate and butter in this double boiler until melted and smooth.

Beat eggs, sugar and vanilla in large bowl to blend. Stir in warm chocolate mixture, then dry ingredients. Fold in 1/2 of the graham crackers.  Pour batter into prepared pan.  Bake until they are almost done about 25 min and then press marshmallows and the rest of the graham crackers onto the top. Put back into oven and finish baking until toothpick comes out clean except for marshmallow on it, about another 15 min or so. Remove form oven and put Hershey pieces into top. they will slightly melt from the heat.

Marshmallows will be browned and puffy but will deflate as the brownies cool.  Cool for at least 20 minutes than slice with a sharp knife, cleaning the knife with hot water if it gets too messy and sticky.  Serve or wrap individually in wax paper for storing.

If this seems like to much work, just buy your favorite brownie mix and add the graham crackers and marshmallows to that!  YUM!

I Waaaaaaay Want my Baby!

I saw this on another blog and REALLY loved it. Very cute. Just wanted to share!

Happy Face

This positive thoughts thing is already working for me. I am so very happy to report that when I had my ultrasound and b/w done this morning the doctor was very pleased to see that my cyst went from being the size of an orange to a deflated balloon on its own. He believes I should pass it on my own by Friday so we can start the stims. Phew! I wont have to have it ruptured! At least that is what it looks like for now. I will go back on Friday to have it all checked again to make sure. As usual, I brought him some treats. We traded a tin of homemade treats for two boxes of Bravelle! He is so awesome and that saved us a couple hundred dollars. The best part is..he thinks he made out with the better deal. Love this guy!


 A little advice: Find out what your Doctor likes. My Doctor has a sweet tooth so I bake him treats every time I go to see him. Show how much you appreciate your Doctor and they will appreciate you as a patient. 
 This is the recipe for what I brought him today. It is easy and anyone can make them. You even get to cheat a little!


Mint Chip Cookies
Use any sugar cookie mix you would like. Follow the directions and then add the following:
1/2 tsp mint extract
1 egg
6-8 drops green food coloring
1 cup chocolate chunks
1 cup creme de menth baking chips/or Andes mints are great too

1. Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, stir cookie mix, extract, food color and egg until soft dough forms. Stir in creme de menthe baking chips and chocolate chunks.
2. Using small cookie scoop or teaspoon, drop dough 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet.
3. Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until set. Cool 3 minutes; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Serve warm or cool completely. Store tightly covered at room temperature.

Starting Now...

My head hurts. Total migraine... which makes me wonder why I am actually writing anyway. I just need to get some things off my chest and dump them somewhere and this is probably the best place. I am having total paranoia! This lack of control over my body and the fate of my future is a complete mind fuck. What if the IVF doesn't work? What if these hormones cause me to have cancer or something in the future where I could possibly die and leave my children without a mother? What if I miscarry, can I make it through that? Sometime I feel like I am the strongest woman in the world to be going through this- I do not think most people could handle this kind of stress and worry... And I feel kinda tough that I take my shots like a big girl, that nobody knows my secret because I can hide my pain, discomfort and emptiness so well that I even start to believe its not true. But then, at times I feel like such a downer, a complainer a whiny nagging bitch that I am embarrassed and ashamed of. Starting now, I want/need to start thinking positive thoughts. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to get IVF.  I see positive pregnancy tests in the near future. I see healthy babies, husband and me. I see a happy life with my family.

I am so effed up lately that I expect everyone to be a certain way. I am hurting so bad at times that I forget the whole world doesn't hurt with me, and I can't expect them to.  Nobody even knows what is going on...

Waiting Game

Wowza! I have been having the worst hot flashes! Of course, it doesn't help that its over 100 degrees everyday but I just can't seem to cool down. I mean...dripping sweat! Beads of it being wiped from my brow, bra completely soaked, and constant hot/swollen feet does not lend comfort of any kind. Everything I eat tastes like it was prepared in a salt mine. I have a constant thirst that cannot be quenched...are these side effects?

I have to say that last week was pretty rough... the pain was horrible and I had some emotions that ran away from me. I felt like my family really felt for me and worried a little. It made me feel good to know they were there for me. My parents, my brothers, sisters-in-laws(3 of them) have been really great. 

I am looking forward to my appt on Tuesday and praying for some progression. I am sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long...let's get the show on the road already!

My Baby...

I saw this quote yesterday, not sure who its from. It made me cry. When I finally have my baby this will be painted on the wall in the nursery.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be...

I will be a good mom. I will be better than most because I want my baby and I have to struggle and fight and beg and suffer for my baby. I have to wait..patiently. I will wake up at every cry. I will go without sleep for days to hold my baby just a second longer. I will thank god every night and every morning for my most precious gift. 

Read with Caution

I just got home from the Doctor where I had another ultrasound. It turns out I have a Corpus Luteum Cyst on my left ovary. Nothing to worry about, basically just left overs from what I didn't ovulate. However, the pain I am having now has a valid reason. This puts a slight damper on the cycle, the Doctor will rupture the cyst next week so he can start me on my stims. I will go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound and then have a 10 minute surgery on Wednesday. I am thankful he is not dropping the cycle! I can't help that I cried. I am just disappointed and scared. I know I get myself all worked up over the "what ifs" but maybe it's just practice for when I actually become a mother. A mother who worries.
 I said I was going to be honest, so here it is...this morning was humiliating to me. First, I have never had a period this heavy in my life. I couldn't even get out of the shower this morning because I was dripping so much blood.  Finally, after a super plus tampon and a sanitary napkin I went to the Doctor. I know it his job and he sees it all the time, but I don't show people all the time. You know what I am saying? They put the dog pee pads on the table. Afterwards I could barely get off the table because of so much blood. I told my Husband not to look. There was no reason to see that. I brought a travel box of baby wipes and used all of them. I could barely look at at my Doctor in his office because I was so embarrassed. He told me not to worry, its because of the cyst and it won't be a problem. He reassured me that I shouldn't be embarrassed. This is all just so hard.
My Husband and I got into a fight when we got home. Not about this, but the stress starts getting to you. I just want to lie in bed for the rest of the day. I need to go into work this afternoon but I am exhausted from the pain, from the stress and the 100 degree weather mixed with hot flashes.

OUCH!

The good news is that I got my period today. The bad news is that I am in excruciating pain. I have the most painful cramps that I have ever had! I actually called in sick to work today because I can't even stand up straight. I am used to bad cramps but usually when I take some pain relief it goes away. NOT TODAY! I wonder if this is from the Lupron?????  Thank heavens I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning, because with this amount of pain I would have to go anyway.

Hoping...

As far as this whole IVF thing goes, I haven't had much to report on. I started spotting on Friday and that has been going on since then...non stop. Annoying! I should have been visited by her majesty on Sunday but she never came. I have another ultrasound/bloodwork on Thursday. What is this going to mean? The plan was that I was going to get my period and if all looks good, I would start the stims on Thursday. Now, I am nervous that there will be another delay. The ups and downs of IVF really start to get to you. I started getting used to the Lupron and then tonight the shot hurt pretty bad. It felt like I cut myself shaving...you know that sting. It went away pretty quick though but now I am having horrible stomach pains. I don't think its related to the Lupron but who the heck knows anymore? It doesn't feel like normal period cramps but maybe she is finally coming. It is bizarre how your entire adult life you pray for your period to come, and then when you are TTC you pray that it doesn't. Now, I am back to praying that it comes and that it will be the last one for a long time. Please keep your fingers crossed. If there is anyone out there that has gone through this let me know I am not alone...I feel very alone in this whole process. My family/friends cannot relate to me. Some of them seem to not even care. Sometimes I feel like my own husband doesn't get it. I am scared to death.

A Treat for Treatment

I went for a blood test and a baseline ultrasound this morning...all looks good! Phew! I am so thankful that everything is heading in the right direction (for now) but at the same time I am scared to death of any disappointments that may occur. Another week (give or take) on the Lupron and then I start all the other goodies. Kinda YAY! 

I had another horrible dream last night and still get little headaches throughout the day. I brought that up to my doctor and he told me that those are perfectly normal however undesirable side effects of Lupron. In that case, I can tough it out. As long as it is normal I can deal with anything. 

My doctor is awesome! I bring him treats every time I go for an appointment. Its the least I can do for him, after all he is going to make me a baby. I also feel that I am getting special treatment and everyone in the office is always happy to see me and they are all so wonderful and sweet. It really makes this whole process so much better. As soon as I start getting some followers I will start posting my recipes..I am a chef, remember?!! I imagine it wouldn't hurt to bring your doctor some homemade baked goods...

Luped up

Day 2 being on the Lupron and this is how I am feeling...tired, headachey, and a little down. I have had nightmares the past two nights. I am not sure if this has anything to do with the Lupron but its kept me awake and anxious both nights. Not sleeping well could also be the reason I have some headaches. I just don't know. I am guessing I am speaking to nobody and this is just going into cyberspace but if someone is reading my blog, and has been through IVF please comment and tell me I am not abnormal. I could use some support even if its anonymous. I feel very alone and worthless. I guess I have nothing else to say tonight. I am going to take my shot when my husband gets home from work and go to sleep.

Side Effect?

I felt fine most of the day but I seem to have a nauseating headache this evening. Could this be from the Lupron or is it PMS or just a headache? I am going to take some Aleve and see if it goes away.

May I Please Have Some of That Lupron?

I started the Lupron last night. The needle is so tiny that the shot didn't hurt. The only thing I felt was some itchiness afterward. It was like a mosquito bite and it was annoying so I put an ice pack on it and the itchiness went away fast. I can handle these. Hopefully, today I wont have any side effects.

Sunday night I had a little spotting. It was very pink. I had a little yesterday morning also. I am not due for my period for another few days, so of course, my mind goes to thinking that I could be pregnant by a miracle. Am I the only person that does this? The timeline would make sense for implantation bleeding but it wouldn't be soon enough for an HPT. I called the Doctor twice yesterday just to make sure because if by miracle I was pregnant, I would not want to cause any harm to the fetus. The office said it was highly unlikely, but if I wanted to reassure myself than I should take an HPT. It would come back negative anyway so whats the point? They did take a blood test last week and it would show increased hormone levels if I was. I guess, I am just hoping deep down inside that it could still happen for us. So much so, that my mind does crazy things. It tricks me into thinking I am pregnant every month until I am crushed by her majesty, my period.

Lets hope that everything will work for us this time. I pray every night to my ovaries that they will produce beautiful follies that are all even and mature. I wan't to raise these little ladies so that Dr. B can introduce them to their Prince Charming and they can fall in love and become one.  It's all on me at this point. Come on girls...we can do it!

When I grow up...

I hope I am not alone in the fact that the majority of my day and my dreams revolve around thoughts of IVF. Being told we "couldn't" have children was the worst thing that could have ever been said. When I was a little girl and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up , my answer was always a Mom first and a Chef to make the money(such a naive girl, Chefs don't make any real money). I am a lazy Chef. I love to cook and create but my heart is in another place.
This is so frustrating! You do everything in your power to prevent becoming pregnant and then, when you are ready to have a baby, you find out its almost impossible. If it wasn't for my parents it would be impossible. My husband and I decided to only tell people that need to know about our infertility. Its humiliating to him as a man. He even said to me yesterday that he thinks his penis got smaller. I can assure you it didn't. He just feels like less of a man. So, naturally I feel horrible that he feels that way. I don't blame him. I look at it like its our problem as a couple not his problem. I do not resent him in anyway. But, I am still sad that as a couple we have to go through this. My dreams of making love and surprising him with a positive on the pee stick are over. I go through all the hard work...that is just part of being a Mom. We have to do all the hard work anyway, baking those babies and all. So, whats a couple of shots and suppositories, a little cramping and headaches (had those every month since I was 13)? Easy! I can do this, because once I hold that baby or babies in my arms it won't matter how he/she was made. It will only matter that they are here and they are healthy. But, we are doing this together. My husband goes to every single appt with me and will give me my shots every night. I think this is important. He needs to be as much a part of this process as he can. Just like if we were making this baby the old fashioned way.

On a side note...any other IVFers notice twins a lot more now that there is a good chance you could have them? When you see a set of twins do you wonder if the parents went through IVF? I do.

Here's my story in a nutshell...

The day that I got back from my honeymoon I went off the pill, because although we weren't going to start a family and we were going to be careful if I got pregnant it was okay...we were married. We used the "pull out" method. That was two years ago. A little over a year ago we decided it was time to make some babies. I honestly believed that it would happen the first time. It happened like that for my brother and for my husbands two sisters. Every month I got my period right on schedule. We did it every position possible to help the swimmers along. I put my feet up over my head for 20 minutes afterwards. I took ovulation tests. I ate fertility foods and took prenatal vitamins. If you aren't fertile, you aren't making a baby.
I read that you have to be trying for a year before you would be considered as having problems. We were at 8 months. I had my yearly pap and I mentioned to my OBGYN that we had been trying with no luck. I looked great from what she could tell. It's a lot more invasive to check out a woman so she said to have my husband get checked first. He has a little fun and they test his semen. Non-invasive, no pain and fast. So we did. It was about $150.00. The results came back. We went to see the urologist who did the test and that is when our earth came shattering down. My husband has very low..very very low morphology. He is as healthy as a horse but his sperm cant pierce my eggs. He has enough..and they swim fine but basically their heads are a little funny. We were told our chances of conceiving the old fashioned way were so low that there is no point of even trying.  My husband feels awful, he thinks he ruined my life and if I married someone else they could give me babies. I don't want another mans babies. I want J's DNA to mix with mine and for us to create magic. He feels like he is less of a man. I actually think he is stronger than any other man I've ever met. Its a sad time for us but we will have children and they will be perfect and healthy.
Lots of crying later we met with a fertility specialist. She was annoying so we backed out and wasted $350 on a consultation and researched the best. We found him. He is the "rock star" of the fertility world. People come from all over the world to be helped by him. YAY! We only live 10 minutes from his office. We save money on travel.
Anywho...we have to do IVF with PICSI. Look it up, its pretty cool. So, I have had some ultrasounds and lots of blood taken from me and I am good to go. Apparently I am as fertile as they come. That's the good news. Its "better" if the infertility comes from the man. I should have no problem carrying a baby (or 2). A week ago they started me on the hormone shots. I stopped after 3 days because I had a dominant folly. I had to ovulate that egg and we start with Lupron on Monday. My blood test from this morning came back that we are ready to start. I will be on Lupron for roughly a week, have my period (hopefully my last for a long ass time) and go directly to my hormones to get those eggs ready to be retrieved and fertilized! The Lupron needles are super tiny and I will take them in my stomach.

* I want to be honest and say that this is very stressful time for us. Naturally we are worrying about everything. This is a financial burden and we don't have enough money as it is. We moved home with my parents (no rent) and we owe $300,000.00 for student loans.Yes..you read that correctly. My parents are amazing and are giving us the money. We pay for as much as we can. This is a very expensive procedure but we have no other options. I am already 30 and the older those eggs get the harder/more expensive it becomes.
* I am very scared. I am trying to stay positive for myself and my husband but I am scared.