My head hurts. Total migraine... which makes me wonder why I am actually writing anyway. I just need to get some things off my chest and dump them somewhere and this is probably the best place. I am having total paranoia! This lack of control over my body and the fate of my future is a complete mind fuck. What if the IVF doesn't work? What if these hormones cause me to have cancer or something in the future where I could possibly die and leave my children without a mother? What if I miscarry, can I make it through that? Sometime I feel like I am the strongest woman in the world to be going through this- I do not think most people could handle this kind of stress and worry... And I feel kinda tough that I take my shots like a big girl, that nobody knows my secret because I can hide my pain, discomfort and emptiness so well that I even start to believe its not true. But then, at times I feel like such a downer, a complainer a whiny nagging bitch that I am embarrassed and ashamed of. Starting now, I want/need to start thinking positive thoughts. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to get IVF. I see positive pregnancy tests in the near future. I see healthy babies, husband and me. I see a happy life with my family.
I am so effed up lately that I expect everyone to be a certain way. I am hurting so bad at times that I forget the whole world doesn't hurt with me, and I can't expect them to. Nobody even knows what is going on...
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