Green Light

Just got home from the Doctor and we have been given a green light to start the stims! I also will be reducing the lupron to 5, down from 20. As much as I am dreading those awful stims, I am equally as excited that I get to start. I will be on Bravelle and Menopur.  I completely passed the corpus luteum cyst on my own..HOORAY! My uterus lining looks good, hormones are great but it looks like I won't be having too many eggs. After getting to know my ovaries the Doc told me that I am producing eggs like I am in my late 30's. I am only 30 now. He isn't even completely sure that our infertility is just my husband, seems to think that my ovaries and the quality of eggs being produced might have a say in this bullshit as well. It really is our problem as a couple and in a way I am glad that its not all on my husband's shoulders...or testicles for that matter. We will not have another dropped cycle. We will be moving forward regardless of how many eggs pop up. He estimates around 6. He wants quality not quantity and that is what I am going to give him! I have always been a super competitive person and I want my ladies to win this fight! Come on ovaries and produce some stellar eggs!
So...glad its a long weekend because the stims make me drag ass. No plans and now I am not going to make any. Maybe go see a movie or rent one. Fantasize about my embabies. Relax.

OUCH!

The good news is that I got my period today. The bad news is that I am in excruciating pain. I have the most painful cramps that I have ever had! I actually called in sick to work today because I can't even stand up straight. I am used to bad cramps but usually when I take some pain relief it goes away. NOT TODAY! I wonder if this is from the Lupron?????  Thank heavens I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning, because with this amount of pain I would have to go anyway.

Hoping...

As far as this whole IVF thing goes, I haven't had much to report on. I started spotting on Friday and that has been going on since then...non stop. Annoying! I should have been visited by her majesty on Sunday but she never came. I have another ultrasound/bloodwork on Thursday. What is this going to mean? The plan was that I was going to get my period and if all looks good, I would start the stims on Thursday. Now, I am nervous that there will be another delay. The ups and downs of IVF really start to get to you. I started getting used to the Lupron and then tonight the shot hurt pretty bad. It felt like I cut myself shaving...you know that sting. It went away pretty quick though but now I am having horrible stomach pains. I don't think its related to the Lupron but who the heck knows anymore? It doesn't feel like normal period cramps but maybe she is finally coming. It is bizarre how your entire adult life you pray for your period to come, and then when you are TTC you pray that it doesn't. Now, I am back to praying that it comes and that it will be the last one for a long time. Please keep your fingers crossed. If there is anyone out there that has gone through this let me know I am not alone...I feel very alone in this whole process. My family/friends cannot relate to me. Some of them seem to not even care. Sometimes I feel like my own husband doesn't get it. I am scared to death.

A Treat for Treatment

I went for a blood test and a baseline ultrasound this morning...all looks good! Phew! I am so thankful that everything is heading in the right direction (for now) but at the same time I am scared to death of any disappointments that may occur. Another week (give or take) on the Lupron and then I start all the other goodies. Kinda YAY! 

I had another horrible dream last night and still get little headaches throughout the day. I brought that up to my doctor and he told me that those are perfectly normal however undesirable side effects of Lupron. In that case, I can tough it out. As long as it is normal I can deal with anything. 

My doctor is awesome! I bring him treats every time I go for an appointment. Its the least I can do for him, after all he is going to make me a baby. I also feel that I am getting special treatment and everyone in the office is always happy to see me and they are all so wonderful and sweet. It really makes this whole process so much better. As soon as I start getting some followers I will start posting my recipes..I am a chef, remember?!! I imagine it wouldn't hurt to bring your doctor some homemade baked goods...

Luped up

Day 2 being on the Lupron and this is how I am feeling...tired, headachey, and a little down. I have had nightmares the past two nights. I am not sure if this has anything to do with the Lupron but its kept me awake and anxious both nights. Not sleeping well could also be the reason I have some headaches. I just don't know. I am guessing I am speaking to nobody and this is just going into cyberspace but if someone is reading my blog, and has been through IVF please comment and tell me I am not abnormal. I could use some support even if its anonymous. I feel very alone and worthless. I guess I have nothing else to say tonight. I am going to take my shot when my husband gets home from work and go to sleep.

Side Effect?

I felt fine most of the day but I seem to have a nauseating headache this evening. Could this be from the Lupron or is it PMS or just a headache? I am going to take some Aleve and see if it goes away.

May I Please Have Some of That Lupron?

I started the Lupron last night. The needle is so tiny that the shot didn't hurt. The only thing I felt was some itchiness afterward. It was like a mosquito bite and it was annoying so I put an ice pack on it and the itchiness went away fast. I can handle these. Hopefully, today I wont have any side effects.

Sunday night I had a little spotting. It was very pink. I had a little yesterday morning also. I am not due for my period for another few days, so of course, my mind goes to thinking that I could be pregnant by a miracle. Am I the only person that does this? The timeline would make sense for implantation bleeding but it wouldn't be soon enough for an HPT. I called the Doctor twice yesterday just to make sure because if by miracle I was pregnant, I would not want to cause any harm to the fetus. The office said it was highly unlikely, but if I wanted to reassure myself than I should take an HPT. It would come back negative anyway so whats the point? They did take a blood test last week and it would show increased hormone levels if I was. I guess, I am just hoping deep down inside that it could still happen for us. So much so, that my mind does crazy things. It tricks me into thinking I am pregnant every month until I am crushed by her majesty, my period.

Lets hope that everything will work for us this time. I pray every night to my ovaries that they will produce beautiful follies that are all even and mature. I wan't to raise these little ladies so that Dr. B can introduce them to their Prince Charming and they can fall in love and become one.  It's all on me at this point. Come on girls...we can do it!

Here's my story in a nutshell...

The day that I got back from my honeymoon I went off the pill, because although we weren't going to start a family and we were going to be careful if I got pregnant it was okay...we were married. We used the "pull out" method. That was two years ago. A little over a year ago we decided it was time to make some babies. I honestly believed that it would happen the first time. It happened like that for my brother and for my husbands two sisters. Every month I got my period right on schedule. We did it every position possible to help the swimmers along. I put my feet up over my head for 20 minutes afterwards. I took ovulation tests. I ate fertility foods and took prenatal vitamins. If you aren't fertile, you aren't making a baby.
I read that you have to be trying for a year before you would be considered as having problems. We were at 8 months. I had my yearly pap and I mentioned to my OBGYN that we had been trying with no luck. I looked great from what she could tell. It's a lot more invasive to check out a woman so she said to have my husband get checked first. He has a little fun and they test his semen. Non-invasive, no pain and fast. So we did. It was about $150.00. The results came back. We went to see the urologist who did the test and that is when our earth came shattering down. My husband has very low..very very low morphology. He is as healthy as a horse but his sperm cant pierce my eggs. He has enough..and they swim fine but basically their heads are a little funny. We were told our chances of conceiving the old fashioned way were so low that there is no point of even trying.  My husband feels awful, he thinks he ruined my life and if I married someone else they could give me babies. I don't want another mans babies. I want J's DNA to mix with mine and for us to create magic. He feels like he is less of a man. I actually think he is stronger than any other man I've ever met. Its a sad time for us but we will have children and they will be perfect and healthy.
Lots of crying later we met with a fertility specialist. She was annoying so we backed out and wasted $350 on a consultation and researched the best. We found him. He is the "rock star" of the fertility world. People come from all over the world to be helped by him. YAY! We only live 10 minutes from his office. We save money on travel.
Anywho...we have to do IVF with PICSI. Look it up, its pretty cool. So, I have had some ultrasounds and lots of blood taken from me and I am good to go. Apparently I am as fertile as they come. That's the good news. Its "better" if the infertility comes from the man. I should have no problem carrying a baby (or 2). A week ago they started me on the hormone shots. I stopped after 3 days because I had a dominant folly. I had to ovulate that egg and we start with Lupron on Monday. My blood test from this morning came back that we are ready to start. I will be on Lupron for roughly a week, have my period (hopefully my last for a long ass time) and go directly to my hormones to get those eggs ready to be retrieved and fertilized! The Lupron needles are super tiny and I will take them in my stomach.

* I want to be honest and say that this is very stressful time for us. Naturally we are worrying about everything. This is a financial burden and we don't have enough money as it is. We moved home with my parents (no rent) and we owe $300,000.00 for student loans.Yes..you read that correctly. My parents are amazing and are giving us the money. We pay for as much as we can. This is a very expensive procedure but we have no other options. I am already 30 and the older those eggs get the harder/more expensive it becomes.
* I am very scared. I am trying to stay positive for myself and my husband but I am scared.