Read with Caution

I just got home from the Doctor where I had another ultrasound. It turns out I have a Corpus Luteum Cyst on my left ovary. Nothing to worry about, basically just left overs from what I didn't ovulate. However, the pain I am having now has a valid reason. This puts a slight damper on the cycle, the Doctor will rupture the cyst next week so he can start me on my stims. I will go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound and then have a 10 minute surgery on Wednesday. I am thankful he is not dropping the cycle! I can't help that I cried. I am just disappointed and scared. I know I get myself all worked up over the "what ifs" but maybe it's just practice for when I actually become a mother. A mother who worries.
 I said I was going to be honest, so here it is...this morning was humiliating to me. First, I have never had a period this heavy in my life. I couldn't even get out of the shower this morning because I was dripping so much blood.  Finally, after a super plus tampon and a sanitary napkin I went to the Doctor. I know it his job and he sees it all the time, but I don't show people all the time. You know what I am saying? They put the dog pee pads on the table. Afterwards I could barely get off the table because of so much blood. I told my Husband not to look. There was no reason to see that. I brought a travel box of baby wipes and used all of them. I could barely look at at my Doctor in his office because I was so embarrassed. He told me not to worry, its because of the cyst and it won't be a problem. He reassured me that I shouldn't be embarrassed. This is all just so hard.
My Husband and I got into a fight when we got home. Not about this, but the stress starts getting to you. I just want to lie in bed for the rest of the day. I need to go into work this afternoon but I am exhausted from the pain, from the stress and the 100 degree weather mixed with hot flashes.

OUCH!

The good news is that I got my period today. The bad news is that I am in excruciating pain. I have the most painful cramps that I have ever had! I actually called in sick to work today because I can't even stand up straight. I am used to bad cramps but usually when I take some pain relief it goes away. NOT TODAY! I wonder if this is from the Lupron?????  Thank heavens I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning, because with this amount of pain I would have to go anyway.

Hoping...

As far as this whole IVF thing goes, I haven't had much to report on. I started spotting on Friday and that has been going on since then...non stop. Annoying! I should have been visited by her majesty on Sunday but she never came. I have another ultrasound/bloodwork on Thursday. What is this going to mean? The plan was that I was going to get my period and if all looks good, I would start the stims on Thursday. Now, I am nervous that there will be another delay. The ups and downs of IVF really start to get to you. I started getting used to the Lupron and then tonight the shot hurt pretty bad. It felt like I cut myself shaving...you know that sting. It went away pretty quick though but now I am having horrible stomach pains. I don't think its related to the Lupron but who the heck knows anymore? It doesn't feel like normal period cramps but maybe she is finally coming. It is bizarre how your entire adult life you pray for your period to come, and then when you are TTC you pray that it doesn't. Now, I am back to praying that it comes and that it will be the last one for a long time. Please keep your fingers crossed. If there is anyone out there that has gone through this let me know I am not alone...I feel very alone in this whole process. My family/friends cannot relate to me. Some of them seem to not even care. Sometimes I feel like my own husband doesn't get it. I am scared to death.

May I Please Have Some of That Lupron?

I started the Lupron last night. The needle is so tiny that the shot didn't hurt. The only thing I felt was some itchiness afterward. It was like a mosquito bite and it was annoying so I put an ice pack on it and the itchiness went away fast. I can handle these. Hopefully, today I wont have any side effects.

Sunday night I had a little spotting. It was very pink. I had a little yesterday morning also. I am not due for my period for another few days, so of course, my mind goes to thinking that I could be pregnant by a miracle. Am I the only person that does this? The timeline would make sense for implantation bleeding but it wouldn't be soon enough for an HPT. I called the Doctor twice yesterday just to make sure because if by miracle I was pregnant, I would not want to cause any harm to the fetus. The office said it was highly unlikely, but if I wanted to reassure myself than I should take an HPT. It would come back negative anyway so whats the point? They did take a blood test last week and it would show increased hormone levels if I was. I guess, I am just hoping deep down inside that it could still happen for us. So much so, that my mind does crazy things. It tricks me into thinking I am pregnant every month until I am crushed by her majesty, my period.

Lets hope that everything will work for us this time. I pray every night to my ovaries that they will produce beautiful follies that are all even and mature. I wan't to raise these little ladies so that Dr. B can introduce them to their Prince Charming and they can fall in love and become one.  It's all on me at this point. Come on girls...we can do it!