Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Happy Face

This positive thoughts thing is already working for me. I am so very happy to report that when I had my ultrasound and b/w done this morning the doctor was very pleased to see that my cyst went from being the size of an orange to a deflated balloon on its own. He believes I should pass it on my own by Friday so we can start the stims. Phew! I wont have to have it ruptured! At least that is what it looks like for now. I will go back on Friday to have it all checked again to make sure. As usual, I brought him some treats. We traded a tin of homemade treats for two boxes of Bravelle! He is so awesome and that saved us a couple hundred dollars. The best part is..he thinks he made out with the better deal. Love this guy!


 A little advice: Find out what your Doctor likes. My Doctor has a sweet tooth so I bake him treats every time I go to see him. Show how much you appreciate your Doctor and they will appreciate you as a patient. 
 This is the recipe for what I brought him today. It is easy and anyone can make them. You even get to cheat a little!


Mint Chip Cookies
Use any sugar cookie mix you would like. Follow the directions and then add the following:
1/2 tsp mint extract
1 egg
6-8 drops green food coloring
1 cup chocolate chunks
1 cup creme de menth baking chips/or Andes mints are great too

  1. Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, stir cookie mix, extract, food color and egg until soft dough forms. Stir in creme de menthe baking chips and chocolate chunks.
  2. Using small cookie scoop or teaspoon, drop dough 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet.
  3. Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until set. Cool 3 minutes; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Serve warm or cool completely. Store tightly covered at room temperature.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Starting Now...

My head hurts. Total migraine... which makes me wonder why I am actually writing anyway. I just need to get some things off my chest and dump them somewhere and this is probably the best place. I am having total paranoia! This lack of control over my body and the fate of my future is a complete mind fuck. What if the IVF doesn't work? What if these hormones cause me to have cancer or something in the future where I could possibly die and leave my children without a mother? What if I miscarry, can I make it through that? Sometime I feel like I am the strongest woman in the world to be going through this- I do not think most people could handle this kind of stress and worry... And I feel kinda tough that I take my shots like a big girl, that nobody knows my secret because I can hide my pain, discomfort and emptiness so well that I even start to believe its not true. But then, at times I feel like such a downer, a complainer a whiny nagging bitch that I am embarrassed and ashamed of. Starting now, I want/need to start thinking positive thoughts. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to get IVF.  I see positive pregnancy tests in the near future. I see healthy babies, husband and me. I see a happy life with my family.

I am so effed up lately that I expect everyone to be a certain way. I am hurting so bad at times that I forget the whole world doesn't hurt with me, and I can't expect them to.  Nobody even knows what is going on...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Waiting Game

Wowza! I have been having the worst hot flashes! Of course, it doesn't help that its over 100 degrees everyday but I just can't seem to cool down. I mean...dripping sweat! Beads of it being wiped from my brow, bra completely soaked, and constant hot/swollen feet does not lend comfort of any kind. Everything I eat tastes like it was prepared in a salt mine. I have a constant thirst that cannot be quenched...are these side effects?
I have to say that last week was pretty rough... the pain was horrible and I had some emotions that ran away from me. I felt like my family really felt for me and worried a little. It made me feel good to know they were there for me. My parents, my brothers, sisters-in-laws(3 of them) have been really great. 
I am looking forward to my appt on Tuesday and praying for some progression. I am sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long...let's get the show on the road already!

Friday, August 26, 2011

My Baby...

I saw this quote yesterday, not sure who its from. It made me cry. When I finally have my baby this will be painted on the wall in the nursery.


I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be...


I will be a good mom. I will be better than most because I want my baby and I have to struggle and fight and beg and suffer for my baby. I have to wait..patiently. I will wake up at every cry. I will go without sleep for days to hold my baby just a second longer. I will thank god every night and every morning for my most precious gift. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Read with Caution

I just got home from the Doctor where I had another ultrasound. It turns out I have a Corpus Luteum Cyst on my left ovary. Nothing to worry about, basically just left overs from what I didn't ovulate. However, the pain I am having now has a valid reason. This puts a slight damper on the cycle, the Doctor will rupture the cyst next week so he can start me on my stims. I will go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound and then have a 10 minute surgery on Wednesday. I am thankful he is not dropping the cycle! I can't help that I cried. I am just disappointed and scared. I know I get myself all worked up over the "what ifs" but maybe it's just practice for when I actually become a mother. A mother who worries.
 I said I was going to be honest, so here it is...this morning was humiliating to me. First, I have never had a period this heavy in my life. I couldn't even get out of the shower this morning because I was dripping so much blood.  Finally, after a super plus tampon and a sanitary napkin I went to the Doctor. I know it his job and he sees it all the time, but I don't show people all the time. You know what I am saying? They put the dog pee pads on the table. Afterwards I could barely get off the table because of so much blood. I told my Husband not to look. There was no reason to see that. I brought a travel box of baby wipes and used all of them. I could barely look at at my Doctor in his office because I was so embarrassed. He told me not to worry, its because of the cyst and it won't be a problem. He reassured me that I shouldn't be embarrassed. This is all just so hard.
My Husband and I got into a fight when we got home. Not about this, but the stress starts getting to you. I just want to lie in bed for the rest of the day. I need to go into work this afternoon but I am exhausted from the pain, from the stress and the 100 degree weather mixed with hot flashes.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

OUCH!

The good news is that I got my period today. The bad news is that I am in excruciating pain. I have the most painful cramps that I have ever had! I actually called in sick to work today because I can't even stand up straight. I am used to bad cramps but usually when I take some pain relief it goes away. NOT TODAY! I wonder if this is from the Lupron?????  Thank heavens I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning, because with this amount of pain I would have to go anyway.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hoping...

As far as this whole IVF thing goes, I haven't had much to report on. I started spotting on Friday and that has been going on since then...non stop. Annoying! I should have been visited by her majesty on Sunday but she never came. I have another ultrasound/bloodwork on Thursday. What is this going to mean? The plan was that I was going to get my period and if all looks good, I would start the stims on Thursday. Now, I am nervous that there will be another delay. The ups and downs of IVF really start to get to you. I started getting used to the Lupron and then tonight the shot hurt pretty bad. It felt like I cut myself shaving...you know that sting. It went away pretty quick though but now I am having horrible stomach pains. I don't think its related to the Lupron but who the heck knows anymore? It doesn't feel like normal period cramps but maybe she is finally coming. It is bizarre how your entire adult life you pray for your period to come, and then when you are TTC you pray that it doesn't. Now, I am back to praying that it comes and that it will be the last one for a long time. Please keep your fingers crossed. If there is anyone out there that has gone through this let me know I am not alone...I feel very alone in this whole process. My family/friends cannot relate to me. Some of them seem to not even care. Sometimes I feel like my own husband doesn't get it. I am scared to death.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Treat for Treatment

I went for a blood test and a baseline ultrasound this morning...all looks good! Phew! I am so thankful that everything is heading in the right direction (for now) but at the same time I am scared to death of any disappointments that may occur. Another week (give or take) on the Lupron and then I start all the other goodies. Kinda YAY! 
I had another horrible dream last night and still get little headaches throughout the day. I brought that up to my doctor and he told me that those are perfectly normal however undesirable side effects of Lupron. In that case, I can tough it out. As long as it is normal I can deal with anything. 
My doctor is awesome! I bring him treats every time I go for an appointment. Its the least I can do for him, after all he is going to make me a baby. I also feel that I am getting special treatment and everyone in the office is always happy to see me and they are all so wonderful and sweet. It really makes this whole process so much better. As soon as I start getting some followers I will start posting my recipes..I am a chef, remember?!! I imagine it wouldn't hurt to bring your doctor some homemade baked goods...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Luped up

Day 2 being on the Lupron and this is how I am feeling...tired, headachey, and a little down. I have had nightmares the past two nights. I am not sure if this has anything to do with the Lupron but its kept me awake and anxious both nights. Not sleeping well could also be the reason I have some headaches. I just don't know. I am guessing I am speaking to nobody and this is just going into cyberspace but if someone is reading my blog, and has been through IVF please comment and tell me I am not abnormal. I could use some support even if its anonymous. I feel very alone and worthless. I guess I have nothing else to say tonight. I am going to take my shot when my husband gets home from work and go to sleep.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Side Effect?

I felt fine most of the day but I seem to have a nauseating headache this evening. Could this be from the Lupron or is it PMS or just a headache? I am going to take some Aleve and see if it goes away.

May I Please Have Some of That Lupron?

I started the Lupron last night. The needle is so tiny that the shot didn't hurt. The only thing I felt was some itchiness afterward. It was like a mosquito bite and it was annoying so I put an ice pack on it and the itchiness went away fast. I can handle these. Hopefully, today I wont have any side effects.

Sunday night I had a little spotting. It was very pink. I had a little yesterday morning also. I am not due for my period for another few days, so of course, my mind goes to thinking that I could be pregnant by a miracle. Am I the only person that does this? The timeline would make sense for implantation bleeding but it wouldn't be soon enough for an HPT. I called the Doctor twice yesterday just to make sure because if by miracle I was pregnant, I would not want to cause any harm to the fetus. The office said it was highly unlikely, but if I wanted to reassure myself than I should take an HPT. It would come back negative anyway so whats the point? They did take a blood test last week and it would show increased hormone levels if I was. I guess, I am just hoping deep down inside that it could still happen for us. So much so, that my mind does crazy things. It tricks me into thinking I am pregnant every month until I am crushed by her majesty, my period.

Lets hope that everything will work for us this time. I pray every night to my ovaries that they will produce beautiful follies that are all even and mature. I wan't to raise these little ladies so that Dr. B can introduce them to their Prince Charming and they can fall in love and become one.  It's all on me at this point. Come on girls...we can do it!

Friday, August 12, 2011

When I grow up...

I hope I am not alone in the fact that the majority of my day and my dreams revolve around thoughts of IVF. Being told we "couldn't" have children was the worst thing that could have ever been said. When I was a little girl and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up , my answer was always a Mom first and a Chef to make the money(such a naive girl, Chefs don't make any real money). I am a lazy Chef. I love to cook and create but my heart is in another place.
This is so frustrating! You do everything in your power to prevent becoming pregnant and then, when you are ready to have a baby, you find out its almost impossible. If it wasn't for my parents it would be impossible. My husband and I decided to only tell people that need to know about our infertility. Its humiliating to him as a man. He even said to me yesterday that he thinks his penis got smaller. I can assure you it didn't. He just feels like less of a man. So, naturally I feel horrible that he feels that way. I don't blame him. I look at it like its our problem as a couple not his problem. I do not resent him in anyway. But, I am still sad that as a couple we have to go through this. My dreams of making love and surprising him with a positive on the pee stick are over. I go through all the hard work...that is just part of being a Mom. We have to do all the hard work anyway, baking those babies and all. So, whats a couple of shots and suppositories, a little cramping and headaches (had those every month since I was 13)? Easy! I can do this, because once I hold that baby or babies in my arms it won't matter how he/she was made. It will only matter that they are here and they are healthy. But, we are doing this together. My husband goes to every single appt with me and will give me my shots every night. I think this is important. He needs to be as much a part of this process as he can. Just like if we were making this baby the old fashioned way.

On a side note...any other IVFers notice twins a lot more now that there is a good chance you could have them? When you see a set of twins do you wonder if the parents went through IVF? I do.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Here's my story in a nutshell...

The day that I got back from my honeymoon I went off the pill, because although we weren't going to start a family and we were going to be careful if I got pregnant it was okay...we were married. We used the "pull out" method. That was two years ago. A little over a year ago we decided it was time to make some babies. I honestly believed that it would happen the first time. It happened like that for my brother and for my husbands two sisters. Every month I got my period right on schedule. We did it every position possible to help the swimmers along. I put my feet up over my head for 20 minutes afterwards. I took ovulation tests. I ate fertility foods and took prenatal vitamins. If you aren't fertile, you aren't making a baby.
I read that you have to be trying for a year before you would be considered as having problems. We were at 8 months. I had my yearly pap and I mentioned to my OBGYN that we had been trying with no luck. I looked great from what she could tell. It's a lot more invasive to check out a woman so she said to have my husband get checked first. He has a little fun and they test his semen. Non-invasive, no pain and fast. So we did. It was about $150.00. The results came back. We went to see the urologist who did the test and that is when our earth came shattering down. My husband has very low..very very low morphology. He is as healthy as a horse but his sperm cant pierce my eggs. He has enough..and they swim fine but basically their heads are a little funny. We were told our chances of conceiving the old fashioned way were so low that there is no point of even trying.  My husband feels awful, he thinks he ruined my life and if I married someone else they could give me babies. I don't want another mans babies. I want J's DNA to mix with mine and for us to create magic. He feels like he is less of a man. I actually think he is stronger than any other man I've ever met. Its a sad time for us but we will have children and they will be perfect and healthy.
Lots of crying later we met with a fertility specialist. She was annoying so we backed out and wasted $350 on a consultation and researched the best. We found him. He is the "rock star" of the fertility world. People come from all over the world to be helped by him. YAY! We only live 10 minutes from his office. We save money on travel.
Anywho...we have to do IVF with PICSI. Look it up, its pretty cool. So, I have had some ultrasounds and lots of blood taken from me and I am good to go. Apparently I am as fertile as they come. That's the good news. Its "better" if the infertility comes from the man. I should have no problem carrying a baby (or 2). A week ago they started me on the hormone shots. I stopped after 3 days because I had a dominant folly. I had to ovulate that egg and we start with Lupron on Monday. My blood test from this morning came back that we are ready to start. I will be on Lupron for roughly a week, have my period (hopefully my last for a long ass time) and go directly to my hormones to get those eggs ready to be retrieved and fertilized! The Lupron needles are super tiny and I will take them in my stomach.

* I want to be honest and say that this is very stressful time for us. Naturally we are worrying about everything. This is a financial burden and we don't have enough money as it is. We moved home with my parents (no rent) and we owe $300,000.00 for student loans.Yes..you read that correctly. My parents are amazing and are giving us the money. We pay for as much as we can. This is a very expensive procedure but we have no other options. I am already 30 and the older those eggs get the harder/more expensive it becomes.
* I am very scared. I am trying to stay positive for myself and my husband but I am scared.